Anyone else wish thier parents would have gotten a divorce when they were little? I personally feel that kids are somewhat sheltered from the ugliness of divorce. However, as an adult both of my parents treat me as thier equal and want me to be their support and more of a friend than a daughter. I'm 25 and my parents have been in the process of getting a divorce for three years now. It has been ugly and painful. I was living at home after college when it all started. I lived in in my room, my dad lived in the master bedroom and my mom lived in the guest room for many months...needless to say, not the healthies living arrangements. After moving out I did not speak to either of my parent for about a year. I needed to get away from the situation and spent the year pretending it did not exist. I have since tried to re-establish a relationship with them. With my father it has been fairly easy. My mother on the other hand likes to treat me as her punching bag. No matter how hard I try she can't get over the fact that I was not there for her for a year. She often tells me what a horrible daugher I am and how she is ashamed of me. She likes to bring up that when her father had a heart attack and she was in her 20's she came home every weekend to take care of him. I try and tell her it is not the same but she likes to be dramatic and tell me she is dying and I don't care. I try to ignore the hurt she causes me and rationalize that she is just mad at my father and taking it out on me but I'm getting tired of the pain. She can't handle the fact that I have a relationship with my father and says that every time he gives me something or helps me out it is money that I am stealing from her. Her phone calls often send me into a spiral of depression and I can't take it anymore. I'm getting to the point where I don't want to deal with her anymore. I'd like to have a realtionship with her but I can't continue to be emotionally abused by her. Like I said before my parents have been going to court and battling this divorce or 3 years and I don't see any end in sight. I can't continue to live like this. Why can't one of them just give in so this whole mess could be finished? Anyone else out there in a similar situation or have any advice. I feel like I am sinking here and all alone!
Wishing it would have happend when I was 5
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 skuperst |
Wishing it would have happend when I was 5 |
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Posts: 1 (10/17/05 08:15:03) |
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Confused57 |
Re: Wishing it would have happend when I was 5 | ||
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Posts: 1 (01/15/06 15:58:24) |
I realize this reply is late, but I'd have to say I agree with you. While our situations aren't the same, I think we have similar issues. My mother is consumed with thinking that my father is cheating her out of money, and that I'm in on it, because I own a business with him (which has never turned a profit!!). She has treated me as a confidant, she has told me I don't love her because I refuse to choose her, and she just doesn't seem to get how wrong it is to put me in the middle. I'm 28, deathly afraid of relationships (due to the marriage that should've ended 20 years ago), and just reading your entry has made me feel better - this isn't just happening to me. The divorce just became final, right before I decided that I was going to tell them I didn't want to talk to them until it was. However, the end of the divorce proceedings doesn't signify the end of the problems. I have found that now I have time to register how I feel, and it's almost worse. I'm not talking to my mother right now. I have no idea how to get over this. I'm not sure there is a way. Maybe there's only a way to adapt?
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sotiredofcrying |
Re: Wishing it would have happend when I was 5 | ||
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Posts: 1 (07/05/06 15:53:28) |
I know what you mean. being in my mid-20's its hard to find my balance. Sometimes they treat me like a child and yet at times, they treat me like a confidant. Its the treating like a confidant that throughs me off. I agree, it might have been easier to deal with the whole situation if it happened when we were 5, but unfortunately that isn't our reality. We don't have to like it. I totally don't. In actuality makes me mad.
My mom after 2 years of trying to reconcile with my dad, finally took the big pludge and threw him out of the house. I'm worried about my dad. He's strong, but like any man that can be just for show. Its hard to have both parents treat me like a confidant and try to explain their actions to me. I don't want to hear it. Who wants to hear that the past 20 some odd years were regreted. It just makes it feel like my whole life was a lie. Sorry, I've seemed to have gone off on a tangent, but your wish is by far probably felt by many ACOD. I can't tell you how to get over this, its somethign you will have to discover. But I hope the very best to you and to everyone else in their time of frustration and sadness. Its about taking it one day at a time. |
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markinasia |
Re: Wishing it would have happend when I was 5 | ||
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Posts: 2 (06/12/07 00:27:25) |
Hi Folks,
I am brand new here. But, I think the "one day at a time" adage is the only thing that works. I am 40 years old and my parents divorced 15 years ago. Yes, I do believe it would have been easier at the age of 5. If we were even still in grade school there would have been support and some protection of our rights, but this is not our reality. My parents are in court again over alimony right now. I am wondering if this will ever end. Even after 15 years all of the old memories are brought up again. I was even court ordered to the original trial as a witness, which should never happen. But I was a 20 something professional at the time so I guess all bets were off. They would have never asked that of a child. Imagine testifying in court truthfully and both of your parents angry that you didn't tell their version of the "truth". Anyway, I believe that hardest part is when both parents establish new relationships. I will address this in another post, but it is the absolute worst. Their new partners want nothing to do with the children of the previous marriage. We are just grim reminders and effectively now orphans. I am not really welcome at the house of either parent by their new families. Yet, they don't just leave us alone either. The tug of war is still in action 15 years later. I moved all the way to SE Asia to get away from that mess. But they still send E-mail, each blaming me for what I should or shouldn't have done. Unfortunately, I have had to create some emotional distance as both my brothers and sisters have done. It is sad, but at some point you have to refuse the abuse. That can mean cutting off all communications like one of my brothers has done. He is 45 and doesn't even talk to me anymore. I am married now but these emotions keep coming up which is why I am here in this forum. My wife's parents are still married so she can't really understand not having someone to call on for parental advice in a crisis. There is no more "home" as that was sold years ago in the first divorce hearing. I have no idea where certain important documents went to like my high school and college diplomas. I have obtained replacement copies but these are not at all like the originals, same with birth certificates. My documents are questioned wherever I go, which is just another reminder. I honestly do believe it would have been easier at age 5 even if I was given up to a foster family. At least I would have been prepared for a life without parents. All I can offer in the way of experience is the mistakes that I made. I would have never appeared in court if I had that to do again. I would have hired a private attorney to present my side of the case, which is that I had no business being involved. I also would have prepared more for the "orphan syndrome" that comes when the parents remarry and only call when they want something or are going back to court. I haven't learned any magical answers but I do hope to find some better coping tools here, with other Adult Children of Divorce. Best Wishes to All |
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collymarples |
Re: Wishing it would have happend when I was 5 | ||
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Posts: 4 (08/07/07 05:22:45) |
i hear you, my parents should have split up when i was 11 and my mum found out he was cheating but she let him come back and he made our lives a misery for the next 17 years, finally she decides she has had enough and wants out, i am now 28, still at home and with serious issues about realtionships that affect every one i ever have, trouble is things are not black nad white and although i hate what my dad put us through i still love him and do not want things to change, it would all be sorted now though if it had been done when it should have, but that is not the way life works out is it
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kergis88 |
I wish he had died | ||
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Posts: 3 (09/03/07 18:45:15) |
My dad's been cheating on my mum for the last 18 years. He said he was sorry 6 years ago when she first found out, then cheated on her again a year ago.
I don't wish that the divorce happened when I was a child. I wish that he had died instead. Then at least my memories of him would be preserved. Now I just gag every time I see a wedding. |
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speechlessone |
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Posts: 1 (05/11/08 18:51:16) |
I wish that divorce at a younger age would make the pain go away. My parents divorced when I was four and have carried the pain of their separation and anxiety
over transition within me for almost 17 years. Divorce is never easy. It is so much worse as a kid, because you do not fully understand what's going on and
you internalize a lot of things. I'm still struggling with my insecurities, and they have become not only a habit, but a hindering block. I've been
through 8 years of counseling, my mom and step-dad are very supportive of me, and I want so much to be loved by my dad, who is only there for himself. I always
take my anger out on my mom, and she is tired. I love my mom more so than my father because she has always been there for me. Looking back over my life, I wish
I had not yelled at her and have caused to great a rift between us. I have tried fruitlessly over the years to build a strong relationship with my biological
dad, but he is neither interested nor mentally capable to hold lasting relationships. He has commitment issues, and many of his girlfriends have expressed to
me that they cannot be around him because he abuses them mentally, physically and emotionally. I have felt the same treatment from him, yet I still hold the
5-year-old wish that he loves me, much like my mom does and much like Mufasa does to Simba in the Lion King. My years of counseling have taught me one thing:
that the effects of divorce are with you for the rest of your life. I really know what you mean by "wish[ing] that he had died instead," because
psychological death continues when you know that one parent continues to live and breathe and move. A physical death "kills" one's association
with the physical presence of a parent. I have been told to only have a superficial relationship with my father, and have desperately tried to enact that. As
an adult, I now realize I do better when I am on my own. I am so deeply affected that I cannot return to the counties where my biological parents live without
returning to the scared and angry 5-year-old.
Throughout this process, I have learned, though not fully implemented, that you need support when going through the aftermath of a divorce. |
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SierraMomma |
It never gets easier | ||
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Posts: 1 (06/11/08 13:41:25) |
Hello, I'm new here too. I am 40 and going thru some significant emotions as my mother divorces my stepfather. I was too young at 2 to remember her
divorcing my dad, but my Stepdad has been around since I was 3. She calls me to say out loud things she wants him to hear - he is sitting right there as she
speaks - and I sit silently and cringe at the viciousness of some of her statements. I care for him too, although he has always "belonged to her" in
our family. The worst part is I have two girls under 5 - and just started to really enjoy watching them get to know and love their grandma and grandpa. I
can't completely shield my kids from the craziness, and all I can tell them is their grandparents are going through some relationship issues, but will
eventually be OK. Both parents have been diagnosed with mental illness issues of varying severity, I'm taking Prozac myself to deal with depression and be
a good parent. I am surprised at how much it helps just to read that others are dealing with the same thing. To you twentysomethings, my heart goes out to
you - it isn't any easier at 40. Can anyone recommend specific counseling or other support options? My mom seems to create situations where she is
"victimized" and then rails on about being a victim! HELP!!! Thanks for "listening"...
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SierraMomma |
It never gets easier | ||
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Posts: 2 (06/11/08 13:42:59) |
Hello, I'm new here too. I am 40 and going thru some significant emotions as my mother divorces my stepfather. I was too young at 2 to remember her
divorcing my dad, but my Stepdad has been around since I was 3. She calls me to say out loud things she wants him to hear - he is sitting right there as she
speaks - and I sit silently and cringe at the viciousness of some of her statements. I care for him too, although he has always "belonged to her" in
our family. The worst part is I have two girls under 5 - and just started to really enjoy watching them get to know and love their grandma and grandpa. I
can't completely shield my kids from the craziness, and all I can tell them is their grandparents are going through some relationship issues, but will
eventually be OK. Both parents have been diagnosed with mental illness issues of varying severity, I'm taking Prozac myself to deal with depression and be
a good parent. I am surprised at how much it helps just to read that others are dealing with the same thing. To you twentysomethings, my heart goes out to
you - it isn't any easier at 40. Can anyone recommend specific counseling or other support options? My mom seems to create situations where she is
"victimized" and then rails on about being a victim! HELP!!! Thanks for "listening"...
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Missmygrandpa |
so do I | ||
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Posts: 1 (06/15/08 17:46:48) |
My daddy raped my mommy and I wish mommy would not have waited til I was older!
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sarahbkk |
Seriously | ||
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Posts: 2 (06/23/08 17:25:29) |
I too wish this had all happened when I was five and thanks for your post! I had to check to make sure that you weren't my sister, because we have a
totally similar dynamic at our house.
 My Mom is really angry
that I continue to have a relationship with my Dad. She has always been such a strong, amazing person and now she's gone totally psycho and I seem to be
taking the brunt of it! She calls me a brat and says her whole purpose in life is gone if I continue to keep spending time with my Dad. I am pretty good at
standing up for myself, but God, it still hurts! I feel like I am doing the right thing, trying to love both parents and keep good boundaries and all its
bringing me is abuse. Whereas if I were five, she would not be so excited to tell me every little detail about how horrible the other person was. Well, who
knows! Maybe they would. They are not the people I thought they were.
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juslivin |
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Posts: 6 (07/15/08 19:44:31) |
I have to disagree with you all. I had a nice childhood and cherish all those memories. I don't think those memories would have been as complete had they
not been with both my parents. I grew up in a safe and loving home. That said divorce is hard at any age ,but I think it is a good experience to grow up with
two parents. When a child's parents get divorced, they can't really understand what's going on. They often think its their fault and spend much of
their childhood shuttling between two homes. I wish my parents would shield me from the horrible realities of their seperation. My father has continuously
emotionally abusive towards me throughout this whole ordeal, but I still would not want this to happen when I was 5.
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ecg |
I wish the same! | ||
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Posts: 1 (07/22/08 05:47:05) |
GIRL, I'm right with you. This is my first time here and everything I am reading I can relate to. I am 32 years old and my mother started the divorce process about a year ago. Since then I predicted that this will probably be a 5 year process...the minimum. I understand what you are going through. I too stayed away for a while just because I couldn't handle being in the middle and being expected to take care of it. I realized I've lost the parents I thought I had. I continue to hope that someday I can have a healthy relationship with both of them independently. As for your mother blaming you, well it just isn't right. I could see that happening to be in the future. I think it is their inability to accept responsibility for their actions or their situation. It is really sad how the parents bring the children in even as adults. Well I hope this website at least helps us in sharing our experiences and helps us cope with it all. Take care. |
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Brett |
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Posts: 1 (11/14/08 20:15:42) |
Divorce sucks at any age! We only imagine it to happen at a different age to make it less painful than the pain we are feeling. We try to
imagine it not happening at all and how are lives would be different, and then we get angry. This is okay for awhile, but a waste of our life after
awhile.
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Brett |
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Posts: 2 (11/14/08 20:15:56) |
Divorce sucks at any age! We only imagine it to happen at a different age to make it less painful than the pain we are feeling. We try to
imagine it not happening at all and how are lives would be different, and then we get angry. This is okay for awhile, but a waste of our life after
awhile.
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